I stopped chasing love: here’s what I found instead

For years, I believed that a fulfilling life meant finding “the one”, but I never stopped to ask—what happens if I made myself the one? Divorce, some horrible dating experiences and attachment issues led me down the path of decentering romance. I had to find a way to feel satisfied with my life that was not dependent on someone else’s behavior or commitment. I began the process of removing romance from the center of my life and instead embraced balanced connections with myself and others. This was such a profound shift for me and I hope that by sharing my story, I am able to inspire someone else. I am not at the end of my journey, as it is a journey that for me does not have a destination. It is forever evolving and I am giving myself a lot of grace.

The romance-centric narrative

There is a pervasive message throughout our society that places romantic love on a pedestal. I can recall growing up that most fairy tales, movies and even songs centered romantic love. How many movies can you recall someone abandoning their dreams or friendships for a romantic relationship? I think back to a popular book and movie franchise from when I was younger, Twilight. In these books, Bella, the main character, was willing to risk her literal life for love. And I can recall reading these stories and thinking, I totally understand. If I felt that kind of love from a man I might be willing to risk my life and lose all my friends and family too. There was this constant theme in media of sacrificing everything for love. And to me that always made perfect sense. Looking back, I see that I was trying to fill a void with romantic love and I was willing to sacrifice almost anything for it.

Being the baby in my family, there was not a lot of messaging explicitly to me about needing to be partnered. I think the opposite was true of my family and they really wanted me to focus on building a career and life for myself and not prioritize romantic relationships. However, the implicit messaging was very different, as my family member’s actions in their own lives did not reflect the same values that they encouraged me to prioritize. This coupled with some serious attachment and abandonment issues led me to feel there was a void in my life that could only be filled by my one true love.

Recognizing the imbalance

I think I was always aware that romance was the center of my universe, however I did not see an issue with it. It was not until after my divorce that I realized I needed to break free from the shackles of romantic dependency or better yet co-dependency. I had become so consumed with my desire to find love again, that I did not even take the time to really heal from all of the changes that took place.

My ex husband and I separated at the start of the pandemic, at a time the entire world was changing. I felt like my life turned upside down. I had just left my full time job in December 2019 to start working full time in private practice. I had a vision for my future but a global pandemic and a divorce was not what I had planned. Within weeks of us confirming that we were moving ahead with our divorce, I dipped my foot back into the dating pool. And my experience was nothing short of horrific. I was continuously abandoning myself and I just got fed up with how depleted I felt after every interaction that went south.

I do not believe I ever fully abandoned my friendships or goals. However, I definitely realized I used dating as a distraction from addressing the real issues in my life. By hyper-focusing on dating I was able to avoid dealing with aspects of my life that would allow me to create the life I wanted to live. I did not want to take responsibility for my life. As long as I could place my happiness in the hands of another person, I could continue to delude myself into believing that I was not the problem. But what was truly wrong in my life was me. I could not take this feeling anymore and I knew I needed to make a change.

the decision to decenter romance

The concept of decentering romance became of interest to me years before I finally made the decision to actively apply the concept to my life. There was one day when I was crying over some man who didn’t deserve a millisecond of my time, let alone any of my tears, when I decided to explore what exactly I was trying to avoid in my reluctance to walk away from this situation. A situation that was obviously harming me. And I realized I was trying to avoid the feeling of loneliness. So I allowed myself to sit with this feeling for a while, and I realized it wasn’t some big bad monster and that I could in fact cope with this feeling. I decided to face my fear and stop dating all together. To finally relieve myself of the pressure to find a partner, embrace “loneliness” and give the other areas of my life my full attention. It was finally time for me to decenter romance.

I knew that I would eventually date again. I just wanted my desire to date to come from a healthier place. I also did not want to approach dating in the same way as I had before, where the person I am dating is the center of my universe. I had a desire to create a more balanced life and I knew that I needed to take the time to heal that I did not initially take when I went through my divorce. I desired a permanent shift to how I approached dating and relationships and I believed that decentering romance would be my best shot at making lasting change.

shifting the focus: building a new foundation

In order to really start decentering romance in my life, I needed to do more than just not date. In fact, you can still date and decenter romance. I just knew that for me, I needed a break all together from dating. So here are a few things I allowed myself to focus on instead.

Reconnecting with Values: I had to identify what is really important to me. Who am I? What do I want? Something I noticed about decentering romance, is that you also decenter men. And I was able to see how many decisions I was making to attract male attention. Without that pressure, I began to make decisions based on my values and what is important to me and not because of how it may make me look to a prospective partner.
Strengthening Other Relationships: I was also very intentional about spending time with other people and deepening those relationships. Instead of saving a new restaurant or experience for a romantic partner, I found myself going with friends, family or even my son. I also realized I was able to be more present when spending time with family friends, which made me seek those experiences out more and more. Prior to decentering romance, so much of my time was spent thinking how much better experiences would be with a romantic partner. Which would end up make the experience a lot less enjoyable.
Investing in Personal Growth: I will say that I always traveled with my family and pursued my passions, even when romance was the center of my universe. However, I was able to really see the areas of my life that maybe needed more attention and care from me. I made a decision to be very intentional about taking very good care of myself physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially.

what decentering romance looks like today

Since making the choice to decenter romance, my life has honestly become much richer. I pay more attention to those “hidden” parts of myself that I can tend to ignore. Which gives me a better understanding of myself, the world and what I want. So yes, I understand myself better as well. It has also helped me to feel secure as a woman, with or without a relationship.

*This process has truly enriched my life, as I have been able to give more attention to creative pursuits. And the most important shift for me on this journey, has been the shift in my values. Since I was a teenager, I have been seeking my “purpose”. And this journey to decentering romance has led me to shift from that belief to be open to the idea, that maybe my purpose in life is to LIVE. My goal now is to live. To experience life and be present. I have always been so goal oriented, but I am learning to detach from goals and outcomes and to really enjoy the process. That to me has been the biggest shift, opening my mind to a different way of being, I was able to completely shift my view of my place in the world.

Decentering romance doesn’t mean giving up on love—it means creating space for a life that’s aligned with your values and desires. If you are looking to start your own journey of Decentering Romance, here are a few things to consider trying:

Start by identifying areas of your life where you feel unfulfilled.
Explore your values and priorities beyond romantic relationships.
Take small steps to invest in yourself and other relationships.

When I stopped searching for someone to complete me, I found the one person who could—myself.